Days 3 & 4 with Nikolas

Day 3 (sorry that we got behind by a day)
Wednesday started with a very-happy-to-see-us Nikolas. We introduced him to Oreos in addition to his "usual" smuggled in morning fruit and collected some bonus points ;) We also allowed him nearly unrestricted access to water and he almost went crazy over it. He drank from a glass glass, actively helped pour it from our 2 liter bottle and ... He quickly was asking for "more" in English as well as signing, sometimes to the exclusion of anything else. This had 2 consequences: 1) he peed, a LOT, duh! and 2) we got to see that drinking had the unintended consequence of clearing out his nostrils :( It seems that his swallowing is in need of some muscle training or some additional surgery - depending on the source. We'll see.

Overall, this was a very emotional day - complete with high highs and lowish lows. He began reaching out for us for the 1st time, to be picked up, to be held, to be hugged. Later on, he initiated some really wonderful snuggles and squirmed onto our laps without any prompting. He giggled a LOT! During chasing, playing hide & seek, airplane rides with Daddy - such a simple, innocent and joyful noise! He still loved balloons, both tied off and as little random rockets. After a couple demonstrations of how a balloon sticks to hair after rubbing a couple times, he was trying to imitate/recreate it himself. He also wanted to run out the front gate when we went outside to play. The fun bag was still a huge hit, though coloring and playing with a ball were far less interesting than earlier on. He did want to clean up things back into the fun bag too.

On the flip side, he clearly felt comfortable enough to start expressing his displeasure at things not going his way. It was a little disconcerting to deal with a 2 year old (or younger) reaction at his size (still not huge!). Especially when we told him "ne" (no), he would immediately withdraw and sometimes escalate. His body language is incredibly expressive: at one point, he was expressing mad as a leaning slump in a corner, with some stomping. When that didn't get him his way or better attention, he slid to the floor and acted and cried like he'd really hurt his butt. That did get us over to him, maybe unfortunately... We tried not to reward it, but... At one point, he got very upset when we tried to take off his shoes - still no idea why. We didn't fight that one long - just quickly measured the length of his foot for shoe size for later and put 'em back on. (gotta pick the battles!) He also started to rebel against washing his hands after peeing - this was a 180 change - previously, he had done very well with this and even helped turn on the water, helped find a towel, etc. At one point, he was so adamant in his refusal that Daddy had to wash his hands for him. He Really didn't like that! Resulted in his second slide-to-the-floor-and-kick-his-feet temper tantrum of the day! We made it to a carpet for this one though, so we could let him work it out without much risk. YAY! okay, not so yay, but...

It was certainly tough to see him struggle, to see him attempt to digest what it meant that we would stand our ground with a "ne". But we will certainly take all his steps away from the institutional mindset, attitude and body language. Early on, it was hard to pick him up because he was soooo compliant; he was just dead weight - no clinging, no lifting legs to wrap around our waist, no shifting of weight to "help", etc. He was just used to being trained. And even negative behaviors that expressed his preferences were a sign of him coming out of that institutional shell. And maybe he was beginning to express pain, suffering, loss, and unknown other things that he has managed to keep inside. (at his age!) It certainly feels better to have him just love on us while we're loving on him, but if he has a backlog of pain, it may be more important for him to feel it, express it, and have us love him through it. And it makes it all the more important for us to get back to him quickly.

We were very fortunate that we were able to give the speech therapist that serves the orphanage a ride back to her neighborhood. Along the way, she shared a very broad and integrated understanding of Nikolas's needs - everything from straight speech therapy exercises from a professional to tactile exploration to self esteem building to speech demonstrations from us to welcoming him by doing some things like he does. (We've already introduced Tam to the "ahhh" noise that Nikolas makes. And he likes it and says that his brother says it! It's the overly dramatic sound we could make when we finish a refreshing drink... But N does it when he's happy. It's friggin' awesome!) The conversation reaffirmed a LOT of what we had planned and opened our eyes to some connections between activities that were obvious once she talked about them. It was also great to know that she would be going to the orphanage a couple times a week for a while at least.

Day 4
We only got to spend the morning with him on Thursday :( We were both pretty apprehensive (and generally sad) about how he would handle us leaving and being told that we wouldn't be back for a while. We got to see his bed (really pretty nice), put his his puppy stuffed animal on it and play upstairs for a change. He really liked watching from above while the other kids play outside. Likely, that bird's eye perspective was completely new to him. Our translator read Nikolas a book that Tam has grown to enjoy: "I'll Always Come Back" and part way through Nikolas wanted to get down to play. (It's not a long book, so it's hard to know why, beyond the lack of actual story...) We also got an opportunity to walk down the street with him. He is an awesome walker! With his steady pace, solid grip, and immediately turning to us when dogs barked, pointing and getting excited when we came close to a donkey, he was just a joy!
At one point, with the director present, he ran into a neighboring room, grabbed a caretaker's shoes from the floor, ran back in and threw them down on the floor. Clearly he was feeling independent! She turned to us and asked us how we had turned such a good boy into this in just three days. We hope he doesn't fight the inevitable re-training from the caretakers too much.

When it came time to say goodbye, we were worse off than he was. The director offered to walk with him out to the car, but we declined. He had so enjoyed leaving and riding in the car that he would have been even more saddened that he couldn't go with us. He cried a little, though less than us, and held the director's hand for a really long time standing outside the front door.

To have been so blessed with Tam, to have the opportunity to adopt another amazing little guy, to have him be in an orphanage with such an incredible director, and to have such a wonderful translator - it all helped make the sadness at leaving Nikolas less sharp. Still pretty bad... We'll be doing care packages to him and the orphanage regularly.

All this brings us to a sad compromise: we have decided to make this blog private for a while. We ran afoul of the "rules" (unprinted ones) earlier by posting to a Yahoo group what the powers-that-be deemed "too much or too soon". We began moderating comments here after an underinformed individual posted one revealing such. The big concern is that there are (confirmed) far less benign people out there who might use what we are sharing here against us. They have, in fact, slowed at least two other families in their final stages. Fundamentally, that is unacceptable and unconscionable. If Nikolas weren't in such need developmentally, if we had a way of actually conversing with those who would do him harm by keeping him institutionalized longer, if... if... if...
We greatly value what others are sharing on their blogs and certainly want to pay forward. We will attempt to include everyone we know is following this when we privatize. If we miss you, we apologize in advance. Please email us: barry.delong@gmail.com. And once Nikolas is home, we'll bring it back with even more details and photos (and if you're really lucky video!!!)